Freedom

Freedom comes in all shapes and forms.

My form of freedom today is to be able to smile without guilt.Smile even if my heart is broken.Smile even if a piece of me isn’t here.Smile because I am so blessed to see another day.Smile because I love.Smile because of my family and friends.Smile because God decided to keep me here.Smile because I am stronger than I was yesterday.Smile because I miss her but yet I am able to share her.Smile smile smile smileBECAUSE I FUCKING CAN!

Making Lemonade

Oh how I miss my little girl….

I miss that I’ll never get to fix her hair, that I’ll never see what color she would’ve been.

Last night I was struck with a pang of sadness… I wanted so many things with her.

Sad I will never have her, sad that I will never have a water birth like I planned with her.

Sad that I’ll never know what life would’ve been like if I had her.

My dream has always been to have a little girl, naturally and I will never have that.

 

Before just saying that out loud would make me feel like the unluckiest person in the world. But not anymore.

I now know that life will not always go your way but it is up to you at how you react to it.

 

I now react to it with a reminder of how blessed I am to be alive.

Everyone knows I lost Leilani but most don’t know that I almost lost my life along with her.

I was saved by her…. LITERALLY.

If she lived I would’ve died. The doctors wouldn’t have noticed that I was hemorrhaging. they wouldn’t have noticed that I had lost 72% of my blood. They wouldn’t have noticed that my blood wasn’t clotting. They didn’t even know where the blood was coming from…so imagine.

They wouldn’t have noticed shit because they would’ve been caring for her.

Whenever I am down and question things I remind myself that I am lucky to be alive. That in turn makes me want to live, live for her, live with a purpose!!!!!!!

I am heartbroken but I am blessed beyond measure!

You can turn your life around. Just believe…just take inventory of what you have and remind yourself how blessed you are.

Love always making Lemonade Queen

 

 

 

Do you ever pay attention to the voice in your head?

You know that voice in your head that tells you that you can’t do things? Or the one that says you’ll never amount to anything? You know which one.. the one that nags the shit out of you when you are trying to be GREAT!

YEA THAT ONE!

Well that voice controlled me most of my life….just up to recently if I am going to be honest.

This voice has told me:

  • that losing my daughter was my fault.
  • That I won’t succeed in life.
  • That I am just a mom.
  • That I am just a dark skinned Hispanic from Brooklyn and success isn’t for me.
  • That I am fat and disgusting.
  • That I would be better off if I just settled and wait for death.

Yea that voice has been such a hater.

For many years I had let time pass and listened to that voice. I never thought that I would ever amount to anything. I have been settling for anything that I got!

 

BUT here I am a business owner, a mother, a wife, daughter, a sister, a friend, a happiness maker!

I stopped settling. I wake up everyday with a fight in my heart to be HAPPY! I have a huge desire to live and grow. Leilani did that for me. I know that. Yes I lost her and it’s sad but I am a better person because of her.

SHE IS MY HERO, I am her VOICE, and for as long as I live I will achieve greatness FOR HER and me.

Make lemonade out of your life and do the opposite of what that voice tells you, it’ll never tell you anything positive. ON THE CONTRARY you have to feed it positivity every single day.

You have to tell yourself everyday that you can! Sometimes twice a day.

Take it from me life is what you make it. I learned that.

Confessions of an Emotional Binge Eater

My name is Ingrid Anel Santana and I am a recovering Emotional Binge Eater.

If you don’t know what this is you may think it’s an excuse people make to eat. hahaha!
But in all seriousness it sucks. You aren’t even hungry and you want to eat… you eat because it feels good. You eat because it’s comforting!

You eat because it feels like you can control that and give yourself something good. You eat because for a little while you forget what you have going on in life…

But after you are done all that is left is regret.. then the pattern of starving yourself kicks in… You feel that if you starve yourself it’ll makeup for the fact you ate like the world was about to end.

Or you throw up because you are so full that your body’s reaction is to barf.

I have gotten better for the past year and a half I have been on a good streak. I have broken down and stuffed my face like a mad woman but for the most part I have been following my meal plan.

It usually happens when I am grieving Leilani hard, or when I am overwhelmed. But working out and eating healthy has helped even with that.

I will never judge anyone with an eating disorder…it’s not easy there is a reason for it. There is trauma behind it.

I am so glad I made that change! I am so glad I decided to turn it around.

I am here to pay it forward!

I want to help you how I have been helped! If you are ready to make that change JOIN ME!

 

Let’s grow together, let’s put a stop to binge-eating, lets put a stop to emotional eating! LET’S GO!!!!!

 

 

If you could change one thing what would it be?

If you didn't have fears or anything hold you back what would you change?

Think about it… this is not an easy question.

I've been pondering on this question for the past couple of days and I still don't know what I would change…

I don't want it to be the usual "I want to be skinny" "I want to be rich"…. I want it to be something meaningful, something that'll affect my whole life.

What would you change if you could?

Who has changed you?

I had spent my whole life pleasing others…

I was constantly trying to make others happy. There is nothing wrong with that but it is wrong when I denied my feelings.

I have changed who I was to keep friends.

I have done things that I honestly didn't have any desire in doing just to be liked…

I have given up on dreams because I didn't think it would be the right time for the people around me.

I have worried what others would think of me for pursuing them…

Why do we do this? Why is the opinion of someone else so important to us?

But I have learned that it doesn't matter what we do in life there will always be someone that isn't happy.  Someone who thinks you are wrong.

The minute I changed (stopped being a people pleaser)  and started working on myself all those things that I worried about disappeared. All those so called friends disappeared, all those things holding me are gone, I learned it was me,,, I was remaining the same to keep things that weren't part of my life anymore…

We are meant to grow not remain the same!

Point is live your life on your terms… follow your dreams, follow your heart, follow your happiness.. at the end of the day YOU are the one who will have to live with the regret.

BE FREE, do what makes you happy people will criticize anyway.

Eating right!

Who doesn't want to eat better?

Sometimes we think that we know how to eat right but we really don't.

There are so many myths and eating habits that it can get SO overwhelming

HOW about we learn how to eat correctly without all the bullshit?

If you are looking for simple, easy, basic way of eating, then join me! We start Monday and its FREE!!!!!

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

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Not all memories are GOOD..

This brings back bad memories…

I remember how alone and empty I felt. How no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get out of the funk.

I felt unloved and unlovable. I felt I wasn't able to love anyone either.

Although I had Liam (3 years old) and Leighton (2 months old) I felt incomplete.

I missed my daughter and I wanted her so badly. This in turn made me feel so much guilt. Because here I was blessed and just wasn't happy at all.

I wanted to BE WITH HER, not them. I couldn't admit it to myself or to anyone.

No one knew this… I didn't dare tell anyone. I was to ashamed. Everyone thought that I should be happy since I had a baby.  But I was far from it.

All  I could think of was how to get to Leilani and be with her…..

No cares of who I left behind, no cares of what anyone thought of me. I just wanted out.

This was one of the worse times of my life. Trying to show that I was okay when deep down all I wanted was to be gone.

What changed all this?

Fitness. I was finally cleared to workout. I wasn't allowed since I  had a C-section (3rd one). My health was a mess. My mental psyche was a mess I needed a change asap!

Then I started working out. It wasn't to look good. I worked out and still work out to feel human and alive. Working out keeps me sane and grounded.

I have found my purpose through fitness. I have found my reasons through fitness. Through fitness I learned how blessed I am. Through fitness I learned that although I lost Leilani it wasn't my fault. Through fitness I learned that I wasn't unlucky. Through fitness I learned to love again. Through fitness I found my VOICE.

This is why I am so passionate about it. Fitness saved MY LIFE!

I now know How blessed I am. My children and my husband are my world. I appreciate every single thing in my life…. and I am leaving a legacy for Leilani.

She lives through me.
As long as I shall live.
I will speak about her.
I will love her.
I will cherish her.

And I am okay with that. Even if most people aren't I am the happiest I have ever been.

If you want to feel the same way I feel don't hesitate to join me!
 

 

 

21 days

So today is day one!

I have so many goals that I am literally drowning in them.

I want to succeed so badly. I've decide to do this for me.

I need to prove to myself that I can always rely on myself.

Do you know how amazing it is to know that you can rely on you? IT's LIBERATING!

So here I will expose my before! Join me on my journey to better.

Yes I've lost 60 lbs but I feel stagnant now.

Which is why I decided to revamp my lifestyle for the next 21 days.

Do you want to revamp your life? So Join Me

We can do amazing things when we DECIDE to make that change. Take the leap with me!

We can do all things through Christ who strengthen us.

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