I make believe a lot.
Some days I make believe that it didn’t happen. I never conceived you…
I make believe that you weren’t even created.. (cruel I know) but sometimes this is the belief I need to survive that day.
I sometimes make believe that it didn’t happen and that I had you and gave you up for adoption (the biggest bullshit I’ve ever thought to be honest there is no way I’d give my Kid up) and you are off with a rich family living your life to the fullest.
There are times when I see other kids born the year you were born (
2014) I make believe that I know what you’d be like or look like. In my head you’re perfect.
I have a hard time with kids your age… it’s hard to see them walking and talking because it always takes me back to what you could’ve been.
I make believe that I brought you home. That I got to dress you up.. that I got to bathe you… that I got to brush your teeth.. that I got to tell you stories but above all I got to love you. (My favorite one yet)
Making believe is sometimes my fun time. Because in my head and heart you can be what I want you to be.
In reality I don’t care what you would’ve been… I don’t care if you would’ve been sassy, a bitch, ugly, fat, skinny, disrespectful I’ll take it all just to have you ALIVE. Just for one second.
Damn I just wish the cards were different for us.
I miss you my Leilani.
because in your face I saw the 🌙 and the ✨