Make believe

I make believe a lot.

Some days I make believe that it didn’t happen. I never conceived you…

I make believe that you weren’t even created.. (cruel I know) but sometimes this is the belief I need to survive that day.

I sometimes make believe that it didn’t happen and that I had you and gave you up for adoption (the biggest bullshit I’ve ever thought to be honest there is no way I’d give my Kid up) and you are off with a rich family living your life to the fullest.

There are times when I see other kids born the year you were born (2014) I make believe that I know what you’d be like or look like. In my head you’re perfect.

I have a hard time with kids your age… it’s hard to see them walking and talking because it always takes me back to what you could’ve been.

I make believe that I brought you home. That I got to dress you up.. that I got to bathe you… that I got to brush your teeth.. that I got to tell you stories but above all I got to love you. (My favorite one yet)

Making believe is sometimes my fun time. Because in my head and heart you can be what I want you to be.

In reality I don’t care what you would’ve been… I don’t care if you would’ve been sassy, a bitch, ugly, fat, skinny, disrespectful I’ll take it all just to have you ALIVE. Just for one second.

Damn I just wish the cards were different for us.

I miss you my Leilani.

because in your face I saw the 🌙 and the

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Fear

I have come to realize that I am afraid.

I am afraid to live my journey out loud and because of that something bad will happen to me.

I am scared.
I am scared of the unknown.
I am scared to fail another child.
I am scared to fail myself.
I am scared because I don’t think I can handle another loss.
I was so open with Leilani’s pregnancy that I am now afraid if I do the same thing something bad will happen.
No I am not pregnant... YET, but I’d like to be soon!
But my fears are holding me back. My fears are telling me that if I share with you guys I’ll lose another baby and then I’ll have to tell you guys that I lost another baby.
 
So this is me kicking my fear in the face!!!!!
Whether I share it or not. It’s going to be what is going to be.

The only one who can determine what’s going to happen is God.

My faith is so big and He is the only one that can determine my future.
I believe in my heart and soul that I will have a healthy baby girl that is ALIVE! I believe it.
I need to stop listening to that voice in my head telling me that it’s not going to happen.

YES YES YES YES

Today I did something. Something I never had the guts to do EVER!!!!!

I stood up for myself. I let someone know exactly how I felt and it felt amazing!

Can you believe in my 35 years I have never stood up for myself?

I have always let things pile up until I blew the fuck up! Not anymore.

My new motto is “address it for me, not for them”.

I feel amazing. I was scared but not scared frighten scared like Fuck I am finally saying how I feel.

What’s the worse thing that can happen? NOTHING? We are humans.

Besides I did it for ME not for her.

Now I can move on and feel like I can depend on myself because I fought for ME.

Peace of Mind

 

Your transformation

We are all different.

We may be on the same exact journey and you’ll see better results then I am. Or I’ll see better results than you have.. but that doesn’t really matter.
The physical is the icing on the cake. What matters is what transformation takes place on the inside.
The transformation of how you handle things.
The transformation of how you don’t hold on to grudges anymore.
The transformation of how you are actually happy and grateful to be alive.
The transformation of how you embrace life for what it is a gift!

Never let any one make you feel that you SHOULD be at a certain place in your journey, you are where you are meant to be.

Keep on trucking time will pass no matter what you do and you will see the change!

then and now

Weeping and aching, I longed to honor your passing.

I longed to honor your life.

Searching everywhere, I found only one answer.

HONOR MYSELF.

Become all that I am and carry you inside that beauty.

This quote spoke to me so LOUDLY today. I need it. Today I am sad. Today I don’t care about anything.

Today I want to be the one who is taken care of.

Wave of light 2017

Today I am sad, mad every feeling in the world.

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Today I don’t care to be positive or try to fake it.

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Today I am tired of acting like my life is okay.

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Today I am sad and heart broken that I need to light a candle for my daughter.

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Today I am sad that this is the way I get to celebrate my daughter.

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Today I am sad that I know many people who don’t appreciate their children and they are alive and healthy.

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Today I am sad that this my life.

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I don’t need anyone to tell me to be positive either. Let me have my day and moment in peace.

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Pregnancy and infant loss Awareness day.

-Life is short-

It sure is. I remember how slow time used to go before I lost Leilani.

For some reason after losing her time flies.. although I take time to enjoy things I feel like time is trying to escape me.

I try my best to not focus to much on losing Leilani because life is so short for me to not focus on the things that I do have.

I realized after losing her that life is realllllly short. Just yesterday I was a

teenager now I am an adult.

I take nothing for granted. In a blink of an eye it can all be gone. Literally 😞

-A space re-imagined-

When I get into that space of the what if’s this is when I imagine that day didn’t turn out the way it did.

I imagine that she survived, that the pictures I have of her she’s staring at me back. That I am so happy because I got my little girl.

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I imagine that my husband instead of having to hold his deceased first born daughter is holding a Beautiful BREATHING baby girl. (This is the hardest one of all)

I imagine that when Liam first met her her he was so happy and excited because he had a little sister!

While I stared in pure joy and awe struck that both of them were MINE!

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I imagine that my mother upon seeing Leilani just is in pure shock at how much she looked like her…

I imagine my dad just looking at her and feeling nothing but happiness at the sight of his second granddaughter.

I imagine.

I imagine.

I imagine.

All I can do is imagine.

-Soul Therapy-

 

In order for you to pour from your cup you need to fill yours.

I fill my cup with prayer and fitness.

Praying/meditation keeps me sane. I need to remind myself that this is my life and I am grateful for it no matter what.

After I lost Leilani I didn’t know how to be grateful. I just didn’t know how to BE.

Prayer helped me find where I needed to be.

Fitness helps calm my nerves. Any anger or frustration I am feeling I literally work it out.

I need these two things to bring me back to the now.

I need them to calm my soul and remind me that unfortunately life goes on and I am not alone I have my Heavenly Father who helps keep me together! That is why He put me on the path of fitness He knew exactly what I needed.

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