Fitness and Postpartum Depression

Both pictures I am 11 weeks and 1 day postpartum. Both pictures I have postpartum depression. Both pictures I have PTSD. Both pictures I miss my daughter.

But in the first picture I am hiding. Hiding behind “things”, hiding behind makeup. I never admitted I wasn’t okay. I welcomed death I wanted nothing but to be with Leilani.

In the second picture I still get grief attacks, I still miss my daughter but I don’t wish to be with her. Not because I don’t love her but because I have so much to live for, I am so blessed.

I NOW know my worth. I now know that losing Leilani wasn’t my fault. I still would give anything to have her but I know that isn’t realistic and when my time comes we shall be together again.

If I wasn’t active before I got pregnant or during my pregnancy I wouldn’t be where I am today.I dropped all the baby weight by week 5! Yes I am still flabby and have a belly but I am no where near where I was after I had Leighton.

My heart is full and I am grateful.

Man I tell y’all get yourself on track! A fitness journey is more than about looks it’s about a spiritual, mental and physical change!

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The Tree of Life

In lo of pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.

What do you do when the tree of life does the opposite? How do you even trust again for it to work the next time?

I have a love and hate relationship with placentas. With my boys I had placenta previa and my boys survived. With my daughter I had no issues and she didn’t survive.

On one hand it gave my children life, kept them breathing, kept them comfy, kept them alive.

On the other hand it failed my daughter. There are many factors in pregnancy, but the placenta is extremely vital. In Leilani’s case it decided to sever off completely leaving her without oxygen, blood flow and there for her heart stopped beating.

This beautiful tree of life that’s supposed to help us grow and development excel did the opposite for her.

There are many reasons a placental abruption can happen ,but in my case it was the undiagnosed thyroid that caused it.

Traditions

To many this looks only yummy but….

I was in the middle of cooking and feeling super happy because I am functioning for my family! Feeling super proud.

I am making a usual Hispanic dish yellow rice with salami in it… and thinking “wow I remember when my mom taught me how to do this…”

Of course grief and heartache is so sneaky and volatile I just started crying…I will never teach my daughter how to make this… yes I can teach my boys but it’s not the same.

My daughter will never get the chance to show off her momma’s recipe for her yummy rice.

I didn’t just lose a pregnancy. I just just lose a baby. I lost a lifetime of memories and a bond I could never even put into words.

There is no replacing that. There is no forgetting. There is nothing. It just is. To me that is the saddest thing in the whole wide world. To not have a word for something as hard as this.

More than just a lost pregnancy…

I’ve had three successful pregnancies. I am blessed with three amazing boys that I will have many many firsts God willing, but seeing these signs everywhere I go break my heart!

Leilani was born in 2014 but she will not be able to go to Pre-K.

Losing her was more than just a pregnancy loss.

I lost all firsts with her… Today should’ve been her first day of Pre-K. Instead all I had was the thought and pain that she wasn’t able to.

In my mind I picture her running into her classroom with a huge smile on her face. Oh her confidence would be on a million!

She’d be wearing a beautiful purple dress and had pink and blue bows in her hair. I’d be crying because my little girl is growing up. Instead I am crying because she is forever my baby and I’ll always wonder how she would’ve excelled this year.

In my heart she would’ve been amazing.

The heart’s desires…

I look at you and I am so in love my heart is so full of gratitude. I know how lucky I am to have you…

But I also look at you and miss your sister. I miss what she would’ve been.

My dear rainbow child I hope you know that I love you more than anything in this world, and at the same time my heart breaks and longs for Leilani.

You are enough, you are the love of my life but so was she.

Please forgive me for wanting her as much as I want you.

Smiling after the nightmare..

Today as I was breastfeeding my little guy I dozed off. You know when you in that in between awake and asleep state you dream all the crazy things…. I had the worse nightmare…

I then realized it wasn’t something I haven’t lived before. I relived the day I lost Leilani.

Every single detail.. from my water breaking to bleeding to going to the hospital to them saying “we can’t find the heartbeat” to me waking up and finding out it was a girl.

There is no worse nightmare than reliving your worse nightmare AGAIN!

I still wish it wasn’t so.. I still wish I could change it. But one thing is for sure I won’t let losing Leilani not allow me to function!

It’s not easy at all but I just keep in mind that I am LIVING FOR LEILANI I can’t waste time being sad for too long. I just can’t. She wouldn’t want that.

So as hard as it was I smiled. At first I had to fake it but then it came on it’s own. All I kept on thinking was how beautiful my life is right now.. although I don’t have Leilani I am here and I have to carry on for Liam, Leighton, and Langston.

Postpartum SUCKS!

So I confided in someone and told them I was feeling sad and their response was “Oh you should be so happy I don’t get what you are sad about..”

Postpartum is not easy at all. I asked myself today should I share this? I’ve been sharing all my joys lately why change it now?

But I love keeping it real. This is the part that SUCKS! This is the part where most women wish they hadn’t done it. This is the part where nothing makes sense. This is the part where we want to hit fast forward or rewind.

My nipples are broken and bleeding, I am cold, I am hot, I am sad, I am happy, I am lonely, I am grateful, I want company, I want to be alone, I am scared, I am in pain, did I mention I am cold, no wait I am hot, I am sweating, I am so dry, I miss Leilani more than ever, I want silence, I want someone to talk to…..

Postpartum is a hard hard hard journey. I decided I will not sugar coat it and make it seem like it’s not legit the craziest times in my life.

And with all this I still love my baby and would do it all over again but the truth is I can’t wait until two months from now!

Thoughts of postpartum…

It’s been weighing heavy on my heart…. of course Leilani. I am trying to wrap around my heart that I’ll be having another baby and I still don’t have her.

It’s crazy because it’s been 4 years already. But I still can’t understand how my heart loves and beats without her.

I am preparing for the flush of hormones and the raging emotional battle that you deal with postpartum. I am scared. I must admit.

Postpartum is C R A Z Y! I am so not ready for that. I look forward to meeting my human of course but I am not ready for the mental agony, the cold chills, the c section healing!

Oh damn I need to stop before I get a panic attack! It’s really that bad.

These are the things they don’t tell you about….

Rude Awakening

One of the lowest points in my life. October 9th 2015.IMG_6553

I woke up from my denial. My life was staring me back like “what now?”
I was so afraid I had ran away from the truth for so long.
For the past 492 days (1 year 4 months, 5 days) I smiled, I said I was “fine” I spent loads of time with people who hurt me, I didn’t say one thing about how I felt.
Mentally I had checked out. I was literally NOT HERE! My mom says it’s God’s way of protecting me. I believe it. I don’t think I could’ve “handled” being here….
My first reaction to coming back was buying this wig. I felt if I wore this and lots of colorful makeup humanity wouldn’t see me. Heck I didn’t want to see me.
So here I was 33 going to be 34 in about 2 months with three kids. You could only see two…I didn’t recall raising my first born nor do I even recall being pregnant with my third one. The only thing that I could remember vividly was that I lost a baby girl that I wanted more than life itself.

I had never felt so much despair in my life. I felt empty, I felt lonely, I felt like there was no reason to be here. I wanted to go back to where I was wherever that was. I just couldn’t fathom that I didn’t have my child.

I couldn’t understand how time had passed and I didn’t have my child. I was so mad at myself for not remembering details about my child.

I was hurt because I lost myself I didn’t know who I was I didn’t understand that the person that was looking at me in the mirror was me. How is this me? How have I survived without my child? I was so angry that I was able to raise my first born and have another child like nothing had happened.
Little did I know that I was suffering from postpartum depression, would also be diagnosed with PTSD. My therapist explained it as having my rainbow baby brought me back to “reality”.
This was the hardest time of my life I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. It’s been a long journey but I can at least say I am not this person anymore.

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