First Major Scare…..

I had my first scare the other night. Oh how I forgot how bad these things are.

I slept ZERO, ZILCH, NADA….

I spent an hour drinking ice cold water. Than eating ice.

Then I finally pulled out the Doppler to look for the heart beat and still nothing. I didn’t lose my shit at that point because I know from experience that when you scared it’s really hard to find the heart beat.

Finally at 2 AM I woke hubby up. I was just scared shitless and couldn’t take it anymore. He’s like well why don’t you eat something sweet or drink juice?

I followed suit… and lo and behold there baby started kicked like a maniac! Totally must’ve been sleeping!

I freaked Because it’s our routine to focus on kicks at that same exact time so for it to be different scared me.

That moment showed how hard pregnancy after loss truly is.

You lose that innocence… all you do is worry for any little thing.

All I want is a healthy baby in my arms. I don’t care about anything else!!!!!!

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I am not brave…

I don’t admit this lightly. It’s hard but in order for me to heal I need to be honest with myself.

I am not brave like most of y’all think.

I still can’t go to baby showers.

I still can’t be around baby girls.

I still have a hard time being around kids born the same year as Leilani.

I still cringe at the thought of never having another girl.

All though I have all these can’ts I don’t let it stop me from trying to live my best life.

I am still and always happy for others never ever have I lost that thank God.

I am a work in progress and one day with the help of God and therapy I’ll be able to face all these can’ts I’ve ran from for the past 3.5 years.

Strength in adversity

Some day I feel like I can’t face another day…somedays like I am on top of the world. Some days  I can’t believe that I am alive without one of my humans and I actually am shocked I can breathe.

Then I reflect and realize that I am actually doing great! It is so easy to focus on what’s happened to me and just stay there. But What I have learned is if I do stay there I am not helping anyone at all especially myself.

I have heard comments like “wow how is she smiling?” “wow how does she even find time to still look nice?” “damn not even because she has lost her child she looks like crap”. All from the same person. Instead of making me upset this fueled me. People don’t want to see you happy or better. They want you to stay in your downfalls.

I am so glad to say that I didn’t stay… and the smile you see today is real. I still miss Leilani I still wish that it didn’t happen to me, I still would give anything to change it, but since I can’t I will use it to make me better.

Guys when I tell you that you can turn your hardships into your fuel you truly can!

I went from wondering why me to okay this happened but I  can still be happy…

If I can do this thing called life and smile you can too! What is holding you back?

 

Body Image Issues

Can we take the time to talk about body image issues?! Why is it that we always see the worst in ourselves? We can have a million people tell us we look great but if we don’t believe it, it really doesn’t mean shit.

img_4187I remember thinking I was overweight in this picture. I remember skipping meals and working out for two hours. I remember drinking the weight loss pills Xenadrine because I was fat. I remember depriving myself of all the good things. I remember making myself barf whenever I felt that I ate too much. I remember wishing I could take ribs out to look thinner. I remember wanting to tie my stomach so I can stop wanting to eat.

It is insane to me how our image of ourselves can be so distorted. How we hurt ourselves to get “Skinny”. How we put straight up shit into our bodies to lose weight.

Shit that affects your health in the long run! Shit that as soon as you stop taking it you gain the weight DOUBLE!

NOTHING WORKS OTHER THAN HARD WORK AND DEDICATION. Nothing works unless you apply the mental change FIRST or in the process.

I’ve learned that if you really don’t love yourself you will never dedicate the time you need to get where you want to be. Nothing happens overnight so stop it with the quick fixes.

It took me to hit rock bottom to realize that everything starts in the mind. After I changed my relationship with the way I saw myself it then changed everything else.

Do you need help making that change? Do you find it hard to even think about where to start? Well your in luck I’ve decided to run a challenge in two weeks where we will learn a new way of eating and apply it to our busy hectic lives! Sounds like something you ready to dive into? Then click here! and lets GO!!!!

Oh the woes of pregnancy…

So I have reached the stage in my pregnancy where certain parts of my body get super DARK! What do you mean Ingrid?

Well lets just say my arm pitts aren’t usually as dark as they are right now HAHAHA.

Pregnancy isn’t all roses like many think it is.

The reason your arm pits, elbows, neck, nipples, between your thighs, butt CRACK and YES your lady parts get darker during pregnancy is because of HORMONES! YAY for making us feel SEXY! HAHAHAHA.

These are things that a lot of people don’t talk about so I am here to let you know the deal. I died laughing the first time it happened…my husband was confused and so was I. I remember calling my mom asking her why my neck was so dark! She was like oh that’s normal… I SAID JEEZ thanks for telling me lol.

I now know better I embrace every single flaw with a smile, it just means my body is doing what it is supposed to do and my baby is fine!

 

Hubby asked me do you want me to lighten your arm pits I said NOPE IT’s MY REALITY I will show the world! He looked at me like I lost my mind and said okay…whatever hahaha!

Can’t wait…

Pregnancy after loss is hard. But it’s even harder when every single thing you do is scrutinized.

When everything you do has to be thought how it will affect those around you.

When in reality none of this has to do with anyone but me.

Yea “just do you” you say! Oh honey it’s so easy when it’s not your life.

When you have opinions from everyone and their mother in the mix it gets overwhelming.

Especially when everyone around you is rooting for you to fail.

The strong me is not here right now… I just feel plain loneliness.

“Oh don’t share this don’t share that, omg you said that?”

So over it all. All I want is for my baby to get home alive so I can go back to being STRONG AND ABLE to ignore the bullshit.

Perspective

I don’t know if you’ve noticed my lack of posting and interacting on social media…I realized today… (although I know this already!) That you have to constantly I mean every single day you have to feed your brain, love, positivity and empowering words.

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It’s so easy to forget how lucky we are. It’s so easy to focus ONLY on what you don’t have. It’s so easy to neglect your blessings because you are totally consumed by what “should’ve been”.

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For the past month I stopped. I stopped feeding my brain what it needs to remain sane.

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I was “finally” happy so I just stopped. But that’s not how life works. We are a constant work in progress. We need daily stimulation of how beautiful life really is!

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Perspective is EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!

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I thank God everyday but I wasn’t doing it with all my heart if that makes sense. But I am done with that.

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I am committing to myself again.

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I am in a hard place but I am NOT STAYING HERE!

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Gender Preference…

Pregnancy after loss is so hard! There are so many things that you worry about. Fear becomes your worse enemy. The what if’s drive you insane! The scenarios are INSANE!

I’ve been focusing on all the wrong things. My desire to want a girl has consumed me.

All I can eat sleep and think is wanting a girl. Begging God at every waking moment to please give me a girl.

All I picture is a girl. How wrong is that? What if it’s not a girl?

Then it hit me will I love my baby less if it’s not a girl? Will I not care about my baby if it’s not a girl? NO!!!

No matter what I have I’ll love him/her to infinity and beyond.

LOVE is all I need. The only thing that really matter is my baby coming home ALIVE and HEALTHY!

It’s so easy to focus on the things we want and forget what really matters! I would love another little girl but I’ll take what God gives me.

I am shifting my focus on ONLY how blessed I am and stop begging God to give me a girl. It’s going to be what it’s going to be.

Day 5: Today I feel _____ ʙʟᴇssᴇᴅ!

I have been through the worse pain I have ever felt and have survived.

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It hasn’t been easy, I went through so many phases BUT where I am today I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for losing Leilani or surviving pregnancy after loss number one!

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Today I am experiencing pregnancy after loss number two after I was told I wouldn’t be able to again. It’s hard but I feel so blessed to be able to do it again. #palawareness #pregnancyafterlossawareness .

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#angelmom #livingforleilani #pregnancy

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