Six

My beautiful girl… today you would be six.. today I should be the happiest woman on the planet because I got to have you for six years! Today I should be excited to celebrate your birthday that fell on a Friday… instead I feel heartache and longing.

Today I miss you more than I did yesterday. Today I feel like the unluckiest woman on the planet. Today I mourn you harder than I did last year. Today is supposed to be a day of love and joy… and I want to do is disappear.

Today my heart hurts like the first day. Today my little one I can picture you behind your cake with a beautiful smile while we sing you happy birthday. But instead I am here crying and heart broken.. because today I feel even more alone without you than the first day. Who am I kidding it doesn’t get easier…. it gets harder.

Today I don’t want to be. Today I just want to be where you are and hold you until you become a part of me again. Today should be your 6th birthday but instead it’s the 6th year I wish I can turn back the hands of time. 

Featured post

#Girldad

This isn’t meant to take away from anyone but Every single time I see a #girldad post I get so sad… so if I get sad I can only imagine my husband.

There are so many dads who indeed are #girldad’s you just can’t see their little girls. I know that most men do not speak up as to how they feel. They feel pain and grief just like we do. Although they may show it differently or not show it at all they matter.

I speak for them because my husband is one. He loves his little girl. He mourns his little girl. He wishes he could’ve saved his little girl.

I know he wishes he had that daddy/ daughter relationship that everyone is always raving about. I know he wishes he can spoil her rotten and show her the world.

His arms are full but at the same time empty! He loves his boys more than life itself but he will always long for the little girl he had to say goodbye before saying hello.

So this is for the #girldad that wants to hold his little girl and can’t. I see you. I love you. I appreciate you. I know you love your girl that is gone too soon.

Featured post

A mother’s love or NOT…

I know I know… we question what we can’t understand.

And we aren’t in that same situation.

And maybe I feel this way 𝖻𝖾𝖼𝖺𝗎𝗌𝖾 𝖨 𝗅𝗈𝗌𝗍 𝐿𝑒𝑖𝑙𝑎𝑛𝑖…

My kids drive me insane. They make me wonder why I thought I’d be a good mother… They keep me busy, they need me every second of the
day (and night in some cases)… Dude it is literally 24/7!!!
They have made contemplate adulting..!! Some days I want a refund… I don’t like or sugarcoat parenting is 𝖧𝖠𝖱𝖣!

But in the same mouth full I just gave you… I have a even bigger mouth full of all the 𝗯𝗲𝗮𝘂𝘁𝗶𝗳𝘂𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝗺𝘆 𝗸𝗶𝗱𝘀 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲…

So this is why I don’t understand HOW I’ve been seeing so many situations where Mothers chose men over their children!
I saw four episodes of fatal vows on Investigation Discovery channel and in all women left their kids behind because they were in love with someone else.

I can’t even imagine leaving my children behind for anything… let alone in a place where they will be hurt. I don’t know but my kids are mine and I just can’t see myself walking away and leaving them.

I pray I am never in a situation like this but I am a mother first then everything else.

Featured post

My what if baby…

This is my little girl. This is my dream come true… this is my prized possession. Yup she is.

She’s not my favorite she’s my what if. Losing her has created an endless list of “what if’s”.

What kills me the most isn’t that I didn’t get a chance… but that she didn’t. She won’t know how much I love her, or how her brothers would’ve annoyed her. She won’t have her first kiss, she won’t be able to tell me that she loves her dad the most, she won’t get married and have kids. She won’t have to call me in the middle of the night just to say that she loves me. She’s forever frozen in time… and I know many will say she’s in a better place and up there she’s “better off”… but in my heart she’s “better off” with me here alive. She’s the one that got away. She’s the one that’ll have me questioning if “I’m doing this right?” For the rest of my life. She’s the one I live for. I have to make sure it’s right. When hello and goodbye come at the same time you live with a life of questions no matter how much better you are.

This is me being better. Being able to share my little girl and speak about her. Oh yes I’m crying as I write this. UGLY why me crying but the only way is through…. and when it comes to her my tears will never stop falling. I love you my forever baby.

knowourbabies

Why does society portray that all mothers are perfect?

As I was sitting down watching Pinkalicious, and then Caliou with Langston I realized that all these tv moms are NOT ME…. I don’t always speak so calmly… I don’t always have my shit together. Dude if I can be nice and dress them without doing it wrong in the same moment I won the day!

After talking with a friend, we both venting about moments with our kids it made me realize even more I wasn’t alone.

We don’t all have our shit together and we do lose our cool with our kids! Does that mean we don’t love them? No way… we lose our cool because we do love them and are overwhelmed! Is it okay no it’s not but I find if we apologize and keep it real with our kids they too understand… we just need to learn from our mistakes!

But I will also not be held to this high standard of parenting! That is not me! And I am tired of trying to be something that doesn’t exist!!!!!!!!

The more I try to reach that perfect mama I find I beat myself up even more, in turn I question things even more and then end up losing my shit even more…

There’s no manual! There’s no right or wrong! Parenting is hard work and it’s nothing you can learn without experience! Honestly it’s a daily learning process.

This is for the mom who thinks that she should be the perfect loving mama… you don’t have to be! She does not exist! Just show your kid love and respect all else will follow.

You are doing just fine in this everyday hectic world! You are doing the best you can, stop aiming for something that doesn’t exist… just aim to be BETTER your kids will love you just for that.

Not a replacement

Oh my dear rainbow… you are not a replacement but you sure have given me a new perspective on life.

What no one will understand is that I love you so much but I will always miss her.

Because nor you, Liam or Langston replaces her. You guys are all a part of me and I just wish that she was here with you too.

There are no favorites I just wish she was part of it all too…

#confessionsofarainbowbabymama

#lifeafterloss

#parentingafterloss

#rainbowbaby

So me being a boy means I am not enough?

Today I took the kids to the doctors. I always get oh how beautiful your kids are. And wow you are such a strong mom.. FOLLOWED BY.. wow three boys? No girls? Wow must be tough. Or wow you really wanted a girl right?

Humanity thank you for always finding my humans beautiful I couldn’t agree more with you… but please please why is it so important what gender they are?

Granted you don’t know I DO have a daughter she’s just in heaven. You have no idea how much your words kill me. You have no idea how I wish I could explain to you that I love my boys more than life itself but I miss my little girl. Apparently you also don’t have any idea that currently you are either born a boy or a girl whatever you decide to do with yourself later is fine.. humanity please can we please stop with “oh I bet your next one will be a girl.”You don’t know that. You don’t know anything just stop.

Humanity please stop it. First off you are bothering me on my grief journey AND YOU ARE ALSO MAKING MY BOYS FEEL LIKE THEY AREN’T ENOUGH BECAUSE THEY AREN’T GIRLS!!!!!

Them not being girls or them being boys has nothing to do with Leilani or them. They are just as special if not more! Those boys are so powerful they are the reason I am alive!

They fought to get to that unfertilized egg and made it. So why you tripping on how many boys I have?

Just stop it. Somethings are better left unsaid. Think before you speak or better yet focus on your grass and leave mine be.

2 years ago I was in the best shape of my adult life after having kids!

Holy crap I worked so hard… I was so happy in my skin… I have been working to find that Ingrid again but come on who am I kidding! I need to find the new Ingrid who is 𝑁𝑂𝑊 𝑎 𝑚𝑜𝑚 𝑜𝑓 𝑓𝑜𝑢𝑟.

I need to focus on bettering this Ingrid instead of trying to get back to that Ingrid.

Everyday we are a different version of ourselves it is up to us to decide what actions to take to better ourselves.

I’ve decided to take my power back! Now that I’ve seen my thyroid doctor and he’s adjusted my meds, in conjunction with eating better and working out I will see change.

Are you ready to see results? Don’t have the tools? Well I gotcha! We can start off by doing intermittent fasting TOGETHER! I am doing a 𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐞 group on it starting August 19th!

𝐖𝐡𝐨’𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐦𝐞??? 𝐶𝑜𝑚𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡 𝑏𝑒𝑙𝑜𝑤 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝐼’𝑙𝑙 𝑚𝑒𝑠𝑠𝑎𝑔𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑑𝑒𝑡𝑎𝑖𝑙𝑠!

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑