My beautiful girl… today you would be six.. today I should be the happiest woman on the planet because I got to have you for six years! Today I should be excited to celebrate your birthday that fell on a Friday… instead I feel heartache and longing.
Today I miss you more than I did yesterday. Today I feel like the unluckiest woman on the planet. Today I mourn you harder than I did last year. Today is supposed to be a day of love and joy… and I want to do is disappear.
Today my heart hurts like the first day. Today my little one I can picture you behind your cake with a beautiful smile while we sing you happy birthday. But instead I am here crying and heart broken.. because today I feel even more alone without you than the first day. Who am I kidding it doesn’t get easier…. it gets harder.
Today I don’t want to be. Today I just want to be where you are and hold you until you become a part of me again. Today should be your 6th birthday but instead it’s the 6th year I wish I can turn back the hands of time.
This isn’t meant to take away from anyone but Every single time I see a #girldad post I get so sad… so if I get sad I can only imagine my husband.
There are so many dads who indeed are #girldad’s you just can’t see their little girls. I know that most men do not speak up as to how they feel. They feel pain and grief just like we do. Although they may show it differently or not show it at all they matter.
I speak for them because my husband is one. He loves his little girl. He mourns his little girl. He wishes he could’ve saved his little girl.
I know he wishes he had that daddy/ daughter relationship that everyone is always raving about. I know he wishes he can spoil her rotten and show her the world.
His arms are full but at the same time empty! He loves his boys more than life itself but he will always long for the little girl he had to say goodbye before saying hello.
So this is for the #girldad that wants to hold his little girl and can’t. I see you. I love you. I appreciate you. I know you love your girl that is gone too soon.
I just spent the last two hours of my life thinking my baby was dead. Telling myself “no everything is fine your just anxious and that’s why you not feeling the baby”. And after finally finding the heartbeat (thankGod for the Doppler) I finally relaxed enough to feel the baby move. Then it all hit me and I lost my shit!
The reason being I have been thinking a lot about the statement my doctor made…. he asked me what my concerns were as usual and I said “I’m afraid because this pregnancy is just like Leilani’s… in the sense that there’s no high blood pressure, there’s no placenta prévia, there’s nothing going on… and that’s the same thing it was with her it was uneventful and then boom she died”. His response to me was “you need to stop comparing pregnancies, you had two live births after that so what are you worried about?”
That really has me messed up. Then had me wondering if I was crazy for even comparing things…. but then I thought about it… fuck what he thinks MY BABY DIED…. so I can feel what I feel my feelings are valid! But his response has got me all riled up about society, life, humanity and etc!
I’ve been pregnant 5 times…now my first was eventful so I was well taken care of… (well not really because I had a placenta abruption and no one told me. I found out after I lost Leilani and I was doing my research). Then with Leilani it was an uneventfulpregnancybecause I had already had a baby at home. Even family was unthrilled because I already had a baby at home….so no extra appointments, I actually had appointments that weren’t scheduled because it was forgotten.. I was disregarded so many times when I said I felt something was off.. boom she died and became a fucking event! Then everyone wanted to act.
With Leighton it was an eventful pregnancy, newly diagnosed with hypothyroidism, high blood pressure, the fact that they had already let one of my babies die made a big impact too.
Then with Langston I got a new doctor! So of course everything was amazing “new patient treatment” was in full effect throughout the whole pregnancy. Again an eventful pregnancy because I had high blood pressure, and placenta previa. They also thought He had heart problems so I got to see him even more! That was a blessing for me I felt so happy that I was being taken care of! I ended up getting preeclampsia (again, I got this with Leilani but they never told me).
So now pregnant with baby number five from the beginning it was “another one attitude”…. from everyone which is cool the only people that need to be happy are Argenis and I. From people feeling a certain way that I didn’t tell them when they thought I should go people treating me like I did something wrong for being pregnant again… even the doctor was like “another one”… I was even told that my body wasn’t going to handle this one that maybe it was best to not have it. (AS IF THEY WERE GOD).
I shared with a few “friends” and one actually changed with me because she was the one who expected to be expecting not me. Bad enough that I am pregnant after loss BUT DURING A PANDEMIC it just feels like a lonely ass hamster running in a wheel race!
My other “friends” are all dealing with their own things during this pandemic so it’s been mostly a solo journey. Aside from my soul sista angel mom friend (Norresa) who is always there no matter what!
but what am I getting at… well that humanity only cares about the eventful, the uneventful doesn’t matter until it becomes a fucking event. Then all of the sudden everyone wants a piece…. and this saddens me! Why does it have to be that something ends bad for people to pay attention to it? Why can’t we pay attention before it ends badly? The uneventful isn’t always that… it’s usually something HUGE but until it doesn’t blow up it doesn’t matter.
So I say this… I refuse to lose another baby because it may seem uneventful to you. It is EVENTFUL to me! I refuse to feel like me wanting to be taken care of is wrong or crazy.
I refuse to feel as if I have no one to count on. I refuse to feel that it’ll only matter when my baby is dead.
I refuse to feel guilty for being happy to be pregnant. I refuse to feel that I need to keep my mouth shut… because no one cares how I feel they say what they want without thinking how it’ll affect me so why should I continue to be a damn humanitarian when I can’t even get that from the people around me?
Every pregnancy should be eventful no matter what’s happening or not happening. Especially to a doctor.
All pregnancies should matter not only because one is higher risk than the other. I am tired of feeling so alone. So afraid to be happy… so afraid of my baby dying because there isn’t much going on with me right now. THINGS CAN CHANGE IN A HEARTBEAT!
Then that event becomes heart break and that’s when everyone will want to say “I’m sorry”, or “I should’vebeen a better friend”, or “I should’vepaid attention”, or “Ishould’ve reached out”…. and by then it’ll all be too late!
I refuse to wait for another eventful moment to feel alive, loved, appreciated and cared for! The time is now! PERIOD!
This is my little girl. This is my dream come true… this is my prized possession. Yup she is.
She’s not my favorite she’s my what if. Losing her has created an endless list of “what if’s”.
What kills me the most isn’t that I didn’t get a chance… but that she didn’t. She won’t know how much I love her, or how her brothers would’ve annoyed her. She won’t have her first kiss, she won’t be able to tell me that she loves her dad the most, she won’t get married and have kids. She won’t have to call me in the middle of the night just to say that she loves me. She’s forever frozen in time… and I know many will say she’s in a better place and up there she’s “better off”… but in my heart she’s “better off” with me here alive. She’s the one that got away. She’s the one that’ll have me questioning if “I’m doing this right?” For the rest of my life. She’s the one I live for. I have to make sure it’s right. When hello and goodbye come at the same time you live with a life of questions no matter how much better you are.
This is me being better. Being able to share my little girl and speak about her. Oh yes I’m crying as I write this. UGLY why me crying but the only way is through…. and when it comes to her my tears will never stop falling. I love you my forever baby.
As I was sitting down watching Pinkalicious, and then Caliou with Langston I realized that all these tv moms are NOT ME…. I don’t always speak so calmly… I don’t always have my shit together. Dude if I can be nice and dress them without doing it wrong in the same moment I won the day!
After talking with a friend, we both venting about moments with our kids it made me realize even more I wasn’t alone.
We don’t all have our shit together and we do lose our cool with our kids! Does that mean we don’t love them? No way… we lose our cool because we do love them and are overwhelmed! Is it okay no it’s not but I find if we apologize and keep it real with our kids they too understand… we just need to learn from our mistakes!
But I will also not be held to this high standard of parenting! That is not me! And I am tired of trying to be something that doesn’t exist!!!!!!!!
The more I try to reach that perfect mama I find I beat myself up even more, in turn I question things even more and then end up losing my shit even more…
There’s no manual! There’s no right or wrong! Parenting is hard work and it’s nothing you can learn without experience! Honestly it’s a daily learning process.
This is for the mom who thinks that she should be the perfect loving mama… you don’t have to be! She does not exist! Just show your kid love and respect all else will follow.
You are doing just fine in this everyday hectic world! You are doing the best you can, stop aiming for something that doesn’t exist… just aim to be BETTER your kids will love you just for that.
Today I took the kids to the doctors. I always get oh how beautiful your kids are. And wow you are such a strong mom.. FOLLOWED BY.. wow three boys? No girls? Wow must be tough. Or wow you really wanted a girl right?
Humanity thank you for always finding my humans beautiful I couldn’t agree more with you… but please please why is it so important what gender they are?
Granted you don’t know I DO have a daughter she’s just in heaven. You have no idea how much your words kill me. You have no idea how I wish I could explain to you that I love my boys more than life itself but I miss my little girl. Apparently you also don’t have any idea that currently you are either born a boy or a girl whatever you decide to do with yourself later is fine.. humanity please can we please stop with “oh I bet your next one will be a girl.”You don’t know that. You don’t know anything just stop.
Humanity please stop it. First off you are bothering me on my grief journey AND YOU ARE ALSO MAKING MY BOYS FEEL LIKE THEY AREN’T ENOUGH BECAUSE THEY AREN’T GIRLS!!!!!
Them not being girls or them being boys has nothing to do with Leilani or them. They are just as special if not more! Those boys are so powerful they are the reason I am alive!
They fought to get to that unfertilized egg and made it. So why you tripping on how many boys I have?
Just stop it. Somethings are better left unsaid. Think before you speak or better yet focus on your grass and leave mine be.