Oh the hardships of this life.

The hardest question you can ask parents whom have lost a child (in our case a girl) is “when are you having a girl?”

‘Oh so you have two boys when is the girl coming?’ This question makes me sick to my stomach with confusion.

Someone asked us this and my husband answered and said ‘not yet.’ I was so upset at him. Thank God for sunglasses because I literally shedded tears.

I even said something to him. But as soon as I did I realized I can’t be mad at him. I can’t blame him for that… i can just picture the awkward faces at the explanation that we did have a girl and we lost her..

the guilt I felt and still feel is horrible though. I don’t want Leilani to ever think that I am ashamed of her.

I always state the truth, when people ask how many kids I have I say 3, do I enjoy the weird silence or the awkward pity looks? NO way but I can’t deny her.

Some days it’s just easier to not say it though…and this will forever be a heartache in my life.


I love you my heavenly child.


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