This brings back bad memories…
I remember how alone and empty I felt. How no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get out of the funk.
I felt unloved and unlovable. I felt I wasn't able to love anyone either.
Although I had Liam (3 years old) and Leighton (2 months old) I felt incomplete.
I missed my daughter and I wanted her so badly. This in turn made me feel so much guilt. Because here I was blessed and just wasn't happy at all.
I wanted to BE WITH HER, not them. I couldn't admit it to myself or to anyone.
No one knew this… I didn't dare tell anyone. I was to ashamed. Everyone thought that I should be happy since I had a baby. But I was far from it.
All I could think of was how to get to Leilani and be with her…..
No cares of who I left behind, no cares of what anyone thought of me. I just wanted out.
This was one of the worse times of my life. Trying to show that I was okay when deep down all I wanted was to be gone.
What changed all this?
Fitness. I was finally cleared to workout. I wasn't allowed since I had a C-section (3rd one). My health was a mess. My mental psyche was a mess I needed a change asap!
Then I started working out. It wasn't to look good. I worked out and still work out to feel human and alive. Working out keeps me sane and grounded.
I have found my purpose through fitness. I have found my reasons through fitness. Through fitness I learned how blessed I am. Through fitness I learned that although I lost Leilani it wasn't my fault. Through fitness I learned that I wasn't unlucky. Through fitness I learned to love again. Through fitness I found my VOICE.
This is why I am so passionate about it. Fitness saved MY LIFE!
I now know How blessed I am. My children and my husband are my world. I appreciate every single thing in my life…. and I am leaving a legacy for Leilani.
She lives through me.
As long as I shall live.
I will speak about her.
I will love her.
I will cherish her.
And I am okay with that. Even if most people aren't I am the happiest I have ever been.
If you want to feel the same way I feel don't hesitate to join me!