One day at a time!

You look at me and wouldnโ€™t think that yesterday I had the hardest day Iโ€™ve had all ๐šข๐šŽ๐šŠ๐š›?

That yesterday I complained from sun up to sun down?

That nothing mattered.

That I literally had nothing to look forward too.

That I was pissed at God and question every single thing I have experienced?

Yup I had a hard day… BUT LOOK AT GOD… today I woke up ๐—ฏ๐—น๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—ฑ, ๐—ฒ๐˜…๐—ฐ๐—ถ๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ฑ, ๐—ณ๐˜‚๐—น๐—น ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—น๐—ผ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ, ๐—ณ๐˜‚๐—น๐—น ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—ฝ๐—ผ๐˜€๐—ถ๐˜๐—ถ๐˜ƒ๐—ถ๐˜๐˜†, ๐˜„๐—ถ๐˜๐—ต ๐—ฎ ๐˜‡๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐—น ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—Ÿ๐—œ๐—ฉ๐—˜!

Sometimes shit happens but you just ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜จ๐˜ฐ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ณ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜จ๐˜ฉ in order to pass and get better!

The old me wouldโ€™ve stayed down for days but not anymore. I have no guilt, no shame! I am human and itโ€™s okay to have a bad day… just donโ€™t stay there!

๐–ซ๐—‚๐—๐–พ๐—‹๐–บ๐—…๐—…๐—’ ๐—…๐—‚๐—๐—‚๐—‡๐—€ ๐—ˆ๐—‡๐–พ ๐–ฝ๐–บ๐—’ ๐–บ๐— ๐–บ ๐—๐—‚๐—†๐–พ. ๐–ฆ๐—ˆ๐–ฝ ๐—€๐—ˆ๐— ๐—’๐—ˆ๐—Ž๐—‹ ๐–ป๐–บ๐–ผ๐—„.โ™ก

National PTSD Day

If I see a hospital blanket I get triggered.

If I smell lavender I get triggered.

If I see purple I get triggered.

If I smell a certain bath soap I get triggered.

If I see a rainbow in the sky I get triggered.

If I see a pregnant woman I get triggered.

If I see a girl Leilani’s age I get triggered.

I eat spicy food I get triggered.

I take the B or Q train I get triggered.

If I hear John Legendโ€™s song โ€œAll of meโ€ I get triggered.

When I cross the Manhattan or Brooklyn bridge I get triggered.

If I hear the group Aventura I get triggered.

If I do the workout T25 I get triggered.

If I look in the mirror I get triggered.

Why am I telling you these things?

Today is National PTSD Day.

Having this isnโ€™t easy, I am triggered daily… but but I live, love and laugh STILL.

After losing Leilani I am not the same but I still find ways to better me. Donโ€™t give up guys. Grief will come but there is happiness while suffering at the same time.

Damn Ingrid you workout too much!

โ€œDamn Ingrid why you go so hard? Damn Ingrid all you do is workout! Damn Ingrid you workout too much! Damn Ingrid but you donโ€™t take a break! Damn Ingrid we get it you like to workout!โ€

Just some of a few things Iโ€™ve heard… but guess what? I DO LOVE TO WORKOUT and hereโ€™s why…

Look at them eyes in that photo. Yโ€™all Iโ€™m going to be so real itโ€™s going to maybe make some of yโ€™all sad… you couldโ€™ve handed me a blade and I wouldโ€™ve taken it and took the easy way! I had to desire. No reason to live. (In my mind that is..) I didnโ€™t care about what I had here on Earth! I just wanted what I have in heaven…..

L E I L A N I.

Yes itโ€™s crazy how you can have it all and feel like you have nothing at all. Itโ€™s crazy that you smile and feel nothing at all.

I just felt hopeless, lost, unworthy, unloved, unlucky… every UN in the dictionary!

Itโ€™s more than physical itโ€™s a desire to sooth my soul! Something that only comes with self care.

Grief is lonely. Grief is a thief. Grief is a liar. Grief is scary. Grief is dark! Grief is endless!

But through my journey I have found light. I found the TRUE ME!

I am LEILANIโ€™S MOTHER… but I am also Liam, Leighton, and Langstonโ€™s Mother. I am Argenisโ€™s wife! I am their stronghold as they are mine.

So my friends this is why I go so hard. Because my workouts help me hone in on my true self!

Oh yes I have bad days itโ€™s not always easy but you know what… #dowhatyouhavetonotwhatyoufeel is my motto and it helps me survive on a daily basis!

So tell me are you ready to hone in on yourself and find the true YOU? YES? Well then comment below..

I am ready! And I will message you details! Donโ€™t miss out yโ€™all life is too short to bullshit!!!!!!

8 months postpartum difference!

My Langy made 8 months today so of course I had to bring out the comparison photos!

8 months apart!

I believe in stepping out and winning when you feel defeated!

I felt that belly would never leave me. 4 emergency C sections and horrible trauma to my abdomen muscle I thought I was stuck this time. BUT GOD and dedication!

I am taking 10 ladies who just want to feel better and look better to join me!

Message me or comment below! And letโ€™s go!

Fitness and Postpartum Depression

Both pictures I am 11 weeks and 1 day postpartum. Both pictures I have postpartum depression. Both pictures I have PTSD. Both pictures I miss my daughter.

But in the first picture I am hiding. Hiding behind โ€œthingsโ€, hiding behind makeup. I never admitted I wasnโ€™t okay. I welcomed death I wanted nothing but to be with Leilani.

In the second picture I still get grief attacks, I still miss my daughter but I donโ€™t wish to be with her. Not because I donโ€™t love her but because I have so much to live for, I am so blessed.

I NOW know my worth. I now know that losing Leilani wasnโ€™t my fault. I still would give anything to have her but I know that isnโ€™t realistic and when my time comes we shall be together again.

If I wasnโ€™t active before I got pregnant or during my pregnancy I wouldnโ€™t be where I am today.I dropped all the baby weight by week 5! Yes I am still flabby and have a belly but I am no where near where I was after I had Leighton.

My heart is full and I am grateful.

Man I tell yโ€™all get yourself on track! A fitness journey is more than about looks itโ€™s about a spiritual, mental and physical change!

The Tree of Life

In lo of pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.

What do you do when the tree of life does the opposite? How do you even trust again for it to work the next time?

I have a love and hate relationship with placentas. With my boys I had placenta previa and my boys survived. With my daughter I had no issues and she didn’t survive.

On one hand it gave my children life, kept them breathing, kept them comfy, kept them alive.

On the other hand it failed my daughter. There are many factors in pregnancy, but the placenta is extremely vital. In Leilaniโ€™s case it decided to sever off completely leaving her without oxygen, blood flow and there for her heart stopped beating.

This beautiful tree of life thatโ€™s supposed to help us grow and development excel did the opposite for her.

There are many reasons a placental abruption can happen ,but in my case it was the undiagnosed thyroid that caused it.

Traditions

To many this looks only yummy but….

I was in the middle of cooking and feeling super happy because I am functioning for my family! Feeling super proud.

I am making a usual Hispanic dish yellow rice with salami in it… and thinking โ€œwow I remember when my mom taught me how to do this…โ€

Of course grief and heartache is so sneaky and volatile I just started crying…I will never teach my daughter how to make this… yes I can teach my boys but itโ€™s not the same.

My daughter will never get the chance to show off her mommaโ€™s recipe for her yummy rice.

I didnโ€™t just lose a pregnancy. I just just lose a baby. I lost a lifetime of memories and a bond I could never even put into words.

There is no replacing that. There is no forgetting. There is nothing. It just is. To me that is the saddest thing in the whole wide world. To not have a word for something as hard as this.

More than just a lost pregnancy…

I’ve had three successful pregnancies. I am blessed with three amazing boys that I will have many many firsts God willing, but seeing these signs everywhere I go break my heart!

Leilani was born in 2014 but she will not be able to go to Pre-K.

Losing her was more than just a pregnancy loss.

I lost all firsts with her… Today should’ve been her first day of Pre-K. Instead all I had was the thought and pain that she wasn’t able to.

In my mind I picture her running into her classroom with a huge smile on her face. Oh her confidence would be on a million!

She’d be wearing a beautiful purple dress and had pink and blue bows in her hair. I’d be crying because my little girl is growing up. Instead I am crying because she is forever my baby and I’ll always wonder how she would’ve excelled this year.

In my heart she would’ve been amazing.

The heartโ€™s desires…

I look at you and I am so in love my heart is so full of gratitude. I know how lucky I am to have you…

But I also look at you and miss your sister. I miss what she would’ve been.

My dear rainbow child I hope you know that I love you more than anything in this world, and at the same time my heart breaks and longs for Leilani.

You are enough, you are the love of my life but so was she.

Please forgive me for wanting her as much as I want you.

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