Movies Movies and More Movie Faves

I asked my husband what my HE thinks are my favorite movies and it just turned into a fight HAHAHA!

He said and I quote “Every fucking movie is your favorite” HAHA…then I realized he was RIGHT?

So I decided to narrow it down to my top 10, based and how they made me feel and how many times I can re watch it without getting tired.

  1. Halloween (1978) I  mean Michael Myers gives me life dude! I don’t know why lol because his slow walking gets me anxious every single time I watch it!
  2. The Lion King because it reminds me of my grandmother and she was the best person in the world. (I still cry every single time)
  3. Twilight Series because I wish I had a vampire in my life (only if he’s EDWARD). Its also my favorite because my husband proposed to me the same way Edward proposed to Bella.. Lord what a man I have! Blessed ♥
  4. The Dark Knight I just love batman and this movie was the best!!!!! I jump out of my seat every single time!
  5. The Avengers Because I love love love superheros and Thor is beautiful and HELLO they have A HULK!!!!
  6. Taken Because I fell madly deeply in love with Liam Neeson when I was pregnant with Liam hence why I have a Liam ♥ It’s also hubby and I’s favorite down time flick!
  7. SAW MOVIES I just love Jigsaw! He’s crazy as fuck but the way all the movies came together I just loved it! Besides I can watch them a million times and still get riled up lol!
  8. Freddy VS Jason yes that cheesy movie hahaha! I freaking loved it! And watch it every single time they give it!!!
  9. Hellraiser because it still scares the shit out of me in a good way!
  10. Split because I haven’t seen such a well made movie in a long time! This movie had me thinking for the next two weeks lol!

Hope you enjoyed my top fave movies! I really enjoyed sharing with ya’ll!

 

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Get to know me…

So you guys see what I show you right? Am I perfect? Heck no! here are 10 things you probably don’t know about me…..

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  1. I hardly smile.. I just don’t see the point of walking around with my smile on my face hence why people always think that I am mad.. BUT I promise you I am not lol.♥
  2. I used to starve myself when I was younger. Especially during the holidays since everyone thought I was the “fat one”.
  3. I can’t I REALLY CAN’T eat without drinking anything. 
  4. I am a stalker I watch my husband and kids when they are sleeping (CREEP).
  5. I yell A LOT. Like all day everyday HAHAHA
  6. I love hard, even if I act like I don’t. 
  7. I am very sentimental I can cry in an instant.
  8. I secretly want a nose job. (thanks Husband)
  9. I hate underwear! With a passion.♦
  10. I can’t go to bed without washing my feet. I’ve tried I just can’t it feels gross.

Bonus: I am messy as fuck. My house is clean but there are clothes everywhere!

Good days

Today is a good day.

 

I feel at peace and full of hope.IMG_5320

I started my day with myself…sitting in silence and just reflecting on my life.

I still struggle with having good days. I feel so guilty when nothing goes wrong or I don’t have a breakdown.

Life after loss is tricky like that. It takes a lot of reminders and prayers to stay at peace.

It’s so much easier to let those emotions win…hence why there are so many in this world just living miserable lives.

I was like that for a long time…even before I lost Leilani.

  • I always worried what others thought of me.
  • I always focused on the negative things that happened to me.
  • I always blamed somebody else for the things that I was going through.
  • I held on to grudges.
  • I resented everyone that had ever made me feel anything other then happiness.

So you can imagine  I hated everyone…

I did a complete change after I lost her. I realized that if I had to live without my child then I can face anything else. How ironic that losing my daughter has made me a better person. I sometimes surprise myself with that one.

No more holding grudges because what’s the point. No more blaming anyone for anything, This is my life and I am responsible for it. No more hating! Only love even to the ones who don’t love me.

This did not happen overnight though..it took a lot of faith, patience, working out and lots of reading to help me get here… AND I AM STILL A WORK IN PROGRESS!

I don’t care how long it takes I will continue on this journey of self love and continue to pursue greatness… I have three reasons to do so.

Liam, Leilani, Leighton….

 

Face your Adversities!

Tell me what has come easy in this life?

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If so was it worth it?

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We all want the easy way out but don’t realize that we were made to struggle, we were made to survive anything thrown at us.

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“Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through HIM who loved us.”-Romans 8:37

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I am grateful for my hard times and my struggles. They have shown me how to be better.

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Step out your comfort zone and change!!!!!!!!

Taboo

I wear my Leilani on my heart.

I want to ask you a question if you lost a loved one wouldn’t you want to honor them?
Wouldn’t you want to share with the world whatever it is you had with them?

I️ ask because society makes pregnancy loss, baby loss, infant loss DEATH period so taboo.

If we talk about our children it’s only because we loved them so much and wish we could’ve had what we thought we would.

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It doesn’t mean we aren’t happy.
It doesn’t mean we don’t believe in God.
It doesn’t mean that we don’t smile.
It doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate what we have.

On the contrary we appreciate even more.

 

We may be more sensitive, irritable, and softees but it’s only because we loved so hard.

A love so full of passion that only tears can express it.

I am Leilani’s mother, voice, and for as long as I️ shall live so does she!

Blue

The color blue was my favorite color until I met my daughter.

Blue made me feel good and happy.

Then I met Leilani for the first time and that feeling went to another planet.

I had been out of it for two days and then when I came to of course my fit notion is to meet my baby…..

I remember they had told me as soon as I woke up “whenever you are ready to meet your baby let us know.”

If you hear that statement then you KNOW they are expecting it right?

Wrong….

What they brought me was a blue tarp wrapped with tape.

FUCKING TAPE!!!!!!!!!!

My first encounter with my child was unwrapping her in a blue tarp.

Even still she was so so beautiful… she didn’t even look real.

The thought of “unwrapping” her made me sick to my stomach and I called my husband and said “please tell them to take her but please tell them to not wrap her in front of me.”

I’ll never forget it. I wish I could. That single moment ruined me for life.

I still see it when I close my eyes.

I still remember the feel of the tape coming off that tarp.

I hate it. I fucking hate it.

After that I never asked to see her again, something I regret with all my heart.

I’d give anything to see her again even if it’s in that stupid blue tarp.

Along with that moment my love for blue went with it. I see it and I want to cringe.

I NOW love purple. It reminds me of her and it makes me feel LOVE. Love for her and love for life.

Feel the pain to heal

There is no healing without feeling the pain.

For so long I ran from “feeling” that I had lost Leilani.

I ran from that shit like it was the plague.

I didn’t want to feel, I didn’t want to face it. I didn’t want to believe this was legit my life.

I told myself it was a dream it didn’t happen.

I even went as far as saying I’ll have another baby and that’s it. (again listening to what assholes kept telling me)

I smiled like a boss! No one knew! I had this shit under control (bullshit)

I wore makeup and posed I was okay. This was 2 months after I lost Leilani.
If I didn’t tell you you wouldn’t know I was literally dying in this picture.

I didn’t want to FEEL I didn’t want to adult I didn’t want to do shit.

The reason I hit rock bottom when I had Leighton was because that’s when it hit me!!!!!!

I HAD A BABY GIRL AND SHE DIED WTF?

I hit rock bottom no more smiling. 09/06/15

I tried running from it again but this time I couldn’t and instead I got depressed. I believe I got depressed because I kept on acting like  I was okay and not facing my reality. It took a toll on my psyche.

I felt as though I was fucking drowning…… after I drowned in my feelings and cried for about 11 months. Straight up torture just wishing I would die already to not “feel” I started “feeling” much better.

It’s crazy!!!! but…That’s when I learned that letting it out and feeling it is the ONLY WAY THROUGH THIS.

no more:

  • feeling bitter
  • feeling jealous
  • feeling unlucky
  • wishing I was dead
  • spending my day in bed crying
  • faking anything

IMG_2450MY friends if you are going through something feel it and move on. It is the only way. No matter what it is……

Today I feel my pain and then let it go. It hurts like the first day, but today I can still find happiness. I can still smile and REALLY mean it.

 

There’s no better feeling than finding happiness in what you already have.

Transformed

Not all transformations are physical.

Yes it’s obvious I LOOK different, but you know what I am most excited about? The change inside.

In the first picture I had hit rock bottom.

I didn’t hit rock bottom when I first lost Leilani.

Nor when her first birthday came around. (I was in denial….)

I hit rock bottom when I had Leighton.

I had another baby and he didn’t die. How could I save them and not her?

2 years apart! The photo that changed my life for the better!

What kind of mother does that?How could I be happy when I let one of my babies die?

I didn’t deserve anything. I didn’t deserve Liam l, nor did I deserve Leighton.

The things I had heard people said about me had finally made me hit rock bottom.

I let my daughter die so I didn’t deserve another child.

I had felt hopeless, empty, alone, unlucky and that I got exactly what I deserved.

I felt that I shouldn’t be anyone’s mother since I couldn’t save her.

The first picture I had no hopes no nothing. Faking my way through it all.

This picture woke me UP! When I saw this and how empty I looked I decided I needed to get my act together.

I started therapy, Soon found out I had postpartum depression, and PTSD. I got on antidepressants.

I felt myself come back just a little. What made me come back was when I started my fitness journey.

A fitness journey is more than physical. It’s a mental journey as well.

It’s not about being skinny it’s about being happy and comfortable in your skin.

It’s about being able to control something when you can’t control anything else in your life.

I couldn’t save her, I know now it’s not my fault. I know now that if I can survive losing her I can survive ANYTHING!

She has given me the wings and desires that I’ve never had.

I’ll always be grateful to her for that. She is my angel in every way possible.

I couldn’t save her but she has saved me in more ways than just saving my life in that delivery room.

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.

Convo with my preschooler

I had the hardest conversation in the world with Liam today.

Me: look Liam it’s a butterfly 🦋 means Leilani is around.

Liam: oh so beautiful! Why Leilani isn’t home with us?

Me: She’s in heaven with God.

Liam: But why? I want to go there?

Me: because when Mommy was having her she passed away and now she’s up there.

Liam: But don’t you love her anymore? (KILLED ME HOLY SHIT)<

Me: (silence swallowing my tears) I said yes I love her still and I always will, just like I love you and Leighton.

Liam: so if you love her why can you go get her and bring her home?

Me: because she’s in heaven we can’t go there yet.

Liam: I can go get her for you so you won’t miss her.

Me: thanks Liam but I want you to stay here with me. You are enough and I love you and Leighton I am happy with you guys.

Liam: okay Mommy as long as you happy.

I didn’t think he’d start asking things like this so soon. What do you say? In all honesty I wanted the ground to open and swallow me!!!!!!

My heart hurts BUT I am glad he’s asking, but it makes me sad that he notices that I am not always happy. But it’s my card and I’ll do the best I can. I am just grateful I didn’t lose my shit and burst out crying!

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