Day 4: Purple for PALS

The irony. Purple reminds me of Leilani always has.

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From what I remember the day I had her… I remember them giving me her and that her outfit was purple! And I remember saying to myself wow purple looks so good on her. My baby girl is perfect can’t wait to take her home. Man the way the mind works. I guess it was a defense mechanism….

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So purple symbolizes a lot for me! Purple equals love, hope and a desire for a child I wanted more than anything.

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#palawareness #purpleequalslove #blessed #livingforLeilani #imissyouleilani #angelmom #myforeverbaby #purple

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Day 3: Trying to conceive.

After losing Leilani I instantly wanted to try for another baby. I knew she would never be replaced, but I had this hope that if I had a baby I’d heal. Of course this was denial! But at the moment I didn’t care I just wanted a baby!

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I couldn’t try right away because this is when I found out I had Hypothyroidism and my blood pressure was all over the place.

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My body was out of whack nothing was working the way it was supposed to. And in my mind getting pregnant was the remedy.

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After seeing a specialist and getting on medication I got pregnant with Leighton 4 months after losing Leilani.

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So fast. I was actually sad that my body “worked” for that but not to save Leilani.

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Trying to conceive after a loss SUCKS. Honestly I don’t even remember that first year after losing Leilani… it’s a blur I guess it’s a defense mechanism! I look at photos and don’t even remember doing half the things I did.

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No one knew everyone but everyone had an opinion as usual. Which is why I never announced I was pregnant with him. I only told my mother and because that’s my mother.

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But by God’s grace I made it. #palawareness

It is real!

Most days everything is great! I am happy I have a pep in my step and I am on fire!

Then there are days where I look at myself and can’t believe it’s ME! Holy crap I am pregnant!

I still can’t believe it. I am scared but so so hopeful!

Everyday is a battle but that’s just how it is. My doctor said to me “what are you afraid of you had a successful pregnancy after your loss?” I looked at him and said “yea and I had a successful pregnancy before my loss.”

It’s easy for someone who hasn’t been in my shoes to think that but me knowing how life can be I know anything is possible.

No I am not sitting thinking something bad is going to happen BUT I am not naive either.

I wish I could be! It would be so much easier. But God is good and what He has set in motion for me has to be AMAZING!

My Story

I’ve told my story a million times but for some reason today I cried while writing it.

My whole life I grew up believing I wasn’t good enough. Not because my upbringing wasn’t amazing… it’s just something I picked up along the way. Maybe something that was said who knows… maybe the constant comparing to my sister since she was thinner than me, or the constant hearing of how I needed to smile more! Lord did I hear every five minutes that I needed to lose weight. That is one of the hardest things to deal with when you are growing up. I still don’t know where. BUT I do know that I had no self worth and just settled for every single thing.

I was fortunate enough to still finish school, find love and start a family, but I never even acknowledged the hurt or the lack of self love I had. I spent more time and money on hair products and makeup than anything else. Just to feel good and do what I thought I needed to do to fit in.

After losing Leilani I was stripped….WHOLE I was bare. I had nothing left so i had to start over. I didn’t know who I was before I lost her and now that I did I sure as heck didn’t know either.

The lack of actual real support after losing Leilani didn’t help either. Everyone that was around me wanted to sweep it around the rug like it didn’t happen and now that I think about it that was the worse thing ever done to me.

How can a major life event be erased from my brain when I couldn’t eat, sleep or shit without thinking about it?

So I retracted. I just went numb. It was easier. I smiled for humanity but I was dead inside. I hated everything. I had no meaning nor purpose! And since the people around me were content with my behavior I continued it…until I lost me shit. 

After having Leighton I got postpartum depression, was then diagnosed with PTSD. It was such a horrible lonely time in my life. I felt I couldn’t speak to anyone around me because all I got was God has other plans… Oh I am faithful, but that is not something someone that lost THEIR child wants to hear.

I started therapy and went to group therapy with women who had lost their humans just like me. OHHHHHHHHHHHH THE FREEDOM! I couldn’t believe that there were real women I can touch and see who had went through what I went through!

A lot of these women were farther along in their journey and seeing them flourish and SMILE gave me hope. This is when I decided to become a health and wellness coach.

Becoming a coach was the best decision I have ever made!!!!!!!!!!!!! I found my purpose. I found my voice. I found ME! I started traveling! I started growing as a human! I started USING MY VOICE! I started helping other women find their voice.

I am extremely proud. I now face my fears even if I am shitting bricks!

In my recent months I have learned to DEFEND myself and not take anyone’s shit. You guys don’t know how liberating it has been. For most of my life and ALL of my adult life I never stood up for myself. NEVER. I’ve had people offend me to my face and I take it. I’ve had people reprimand my kids AND I FUCKING hated it and I would take it. I have spent years replaying hurtful events and wonder WHY I did’t do anything about it.

Who was hurting me? ME. NOT anymore. I don’t replay anything I just use my VOICE and keep it moving.

This woman has been through the ringer and she still is coming out on top! 

What is your superpower?

It is never to late to OPEN UP!!!!!! IF you need any help finding your voice don’t hesitate to message me!

In my head I look..

Not all pregnant women are skinny Minnie’s and have easy going pregnancies!

Some of us look like this but workout hard! Some of us aren’t like what you see in the magazines. Flawless bellies, no stretch marks or even a slouchy belly. Everything is perky NOT! This is what a real pregnant body looks like!

If I am not wearing maternity pants that’s how my belly cuts 😂 and you know what? I am proud!

Y’all don’t know understand the level of gratitude I have for this BODY!

I’ve put it through so much. Pregnancy is so freaking hard on my body!

Not knocking anyone but I want to see more women that look LIKE ME in magazines and social media I just want ALL OF US TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL NO MATTER WHAT!!!

I am happy that I am carrying life to me that’s all that matters!

Fears being conquered

So I have my fears!

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They drive me insane sometimes… hubby asked me today “why are you so open if you are afraid?”

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I said “I am afraid BUT I am facing my fears by being open.

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I am happy I can do this again only God knows how lucky I am, but when I tell you it’s hard man it’s HARD!

Baby shower blues

I was asked if I planned on having a baby shower this time around.

This question got me thinking…… LONG AND HARD!

It’s hard because the thing with baby showers is you never really know who is really happy for you.

I am really particular of who I want around me…I can see it just stirring up stupidity and unnecessary opinions AS USUAL.

Plus the “wait she has 4 kids how many baby showers she’s getting?”

But then I think of when I was growing Leighton how lonely and paranoid I was… how we didn’t do anything at all.

Then I think of Leilani’s and how much crap I heard for not returning the gifts since she died… yea a REAL human being said that.

So it makes me so apprehensive. Why am I sharing this? Well I am an open book.

I am want other angel moms to know that all those questions they have are valid and there is nothing wrong with asking!

So am I having one? I will let ya’ll know…I have a lot to think about.

All cried out

The old me shed tears for everyone! You pissed me off I cried.

You hurt my feelings I cried.

You left me out I cried.

You made fun of me I cried.

 

Cry baby isn’t even the word.

Everyone and everything hurt me. Then I lost Leilani. Talk about HURT!

I cried so much after I lost her that I would cry and no tears came out!

Not only did I suffer because my so wanted daughter didn’t survive but because of the cruel humans around me.

Needless to say I have GROWN a lot. I like to refer to my growth as that if the lotus. Growing where you wouldn’t expect it to grow!

I am a work in progress of course but that girl is gone and this woman is very selective on who she sheds tears for!

THANK YOU GROWTH!

HERE I AM

I almost died having Leilani but here I am.

They told me I would never be able to carry another baby again but here I am.

I thought I’d never amount to anything but here I am.

Even when “loved ones” wished the worse for me. But here I am.

Even when I thought dying was the best thing. But here I am.

I am alive, happy, healthy and stronger than I ever knew.

There’s only two reasons why that is possible… God and Leilani. God has the last say! Not any hex or any man.

As I write this I am in tears, somethings you don’t realize how much you have endured until it slaps you in the face.

I have sat and eaten with my enemies and smiled. But here I am.

God is so amazing. The old me wouldn’t have handled any of it, my anxiety and anger would’ve been written all over my face.

Not anymore though. I actually pray for them. I pray for peace in their hearts and wish happiness on them.

Guys this is huge for me! I was the holding grudges queen! Not I! I am free.

I love everything because of my trials. My trials have made me better.

God is an amazing worker! Never doubt the power of the almighty. So so so blessed to know Him and his word.

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