Belonging

After losing Leilani I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere.

Couldn’t fit in with the people who had just had babies.

Couldn’t fit in with the people who didn’t have babies.

I just didn’t belong. The loneliest feeling in the world.

The thing was I was “trying” to appear that I was okay when in reality I was dying inside.

How can I belong when inside didn’t match with the outside?

It wasn’t until I faced Losing Leilani that I found my place.

Now I know where I belong! I belong exactly where I am.

As long as I accept my reality and face it I belong in the now!

I don’t need to be part of a certain category to know where I belong. I belong here in this present moment at that my friends is enough for me!

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.

Advertisements

No more

From 33 years old being a mom of 3

feeling worthless, LOST, uncomfortable in my skin to a 35 year old mom of 3, that’s a mom boss and feels blessed, worthy of life and KNOW WHO I AM!
IMG_0892
This journey is more than skin deep. It’s a mental morphing journey as well!

Nomore feeling sorry for myself.
Nomore wondering why me.
Nomore thinking I have time to change.
No more waiting until who knows what to live.


I am the happiest and most confident I have ever been in my whole life.

Fitness has changed my life for the better. Without it well let’s just say I don’t think I’d be here.

Still fat

I’ve had many say I am still fat.

I may not be your average fitness model physically, but I am a healthy fitness model.
Ask me about my medical status then and my medical status now.
That’s what’s important. That I AM HEALTHY.
You’d be surprised how unhealthy they average “skinny” person is.

My end goal is HEALTHY.

What’s your goal to be skinny or to be healthy and happy in your skin?

Meaningful Mantra

-Meaningful mantra-

“Losing Leilani was NOT my fault.”

I say this to myself a million times a day. I need to remind myself because everything in my brain, in my surroundings tells me that it’s my fault.

It tells me that I am not worthy of this life because I didn’t save her.

That I don’t deserve my boys because I didn’t save her.

Everyday I fight those negative thoughts. Everyday I say fuck you I deserve this life, I deserve my boys!

Everyday I tell myself it was not your fault and LIVE LIVE LIVE LIVE FOR HER!

“Live for them, Live for you!”

And that’s exactly what I do. Fighting my battles one day at a time. 💕

Decide to try

The day I decided to TRY that was the day I started to live. I decided that I was enough, that I loved myself enough to save my life.

We can continue to be on a path of failure.
On a path where all you’ll find is misery.
A path where we don’t find anything that makes us happy.

Did you know that caring about yourself is the best thing you can do in your world?

Are you conscious of how you treat yourself?

Don’t put yourself, your dreams on the back burner…START looking out for you.

Your health is all you got. Once you make that change I promise all else will follow.

Do you know that you’ll never ever be perfect. Learn from your experiences and just make yourself BETTER.

Just decide to try…it’s all you need.

I take 10 steps forward and people’s words and actions take me back to 0.

I take 10 steps forward and people’s words and actions take me back to 0.

So I am chatting with a mom whose kid goes to school with Liam…we happen to be practically neighbors. So we’ve been spending a lot of time together being that we go and pick up our kids together.

It feels nice to be able to interact with an adult so I am happy to have found a new adult.

She knows some what about Leilani. because like everyone else the first thing she asks is “when you having a girl” so of course I have to tell her that I did have one.

While at the park she’s showing me pictures of her family, vacations, etc.  She then starts showing me a pic of her youngest as a newborn…

You guys have no idea of how hard it is for me to see a newborn baby with the hospital blanket and hospital hat. I avoid those photos they literally KILL my soul.

So I say to her ‘awe he looks so cute but please I can’t see anymore of this video.”

She’s like well why not… “I say I just don’t want to right now.” She then says in Spanish “Well those are things of life you need to get over it God knows what He does.” This is the second time someone has said this to me. Both mothers.

 

I am a God fearing woman. My Faith is what keeps me going. BUT don’t freaking tell me that I need to get over it because God knows what  He’s doing.

What I really wanted to say well which one of your boys you want “God” to take from you? But I just walked away… I am so disappointed. I thought I met someone  I can see becoming a friend. But fuck that.

I am all for your opinions, and I am at a place where I am not easily offended anymore. But mess with my kids especially my daughter I want nothing to do with you.

This life is so hard. I not only need to worry about what I think about, But I also need to worry about the things people say to me.

So I’ll ask people from now on with responses like that…”which child would you want God to take from you since you are so keen on me getting over the loss of mine?’

I was depicting myself apart this morning!

I had put in some pants where I HATED the way my stomach looked. I complained to my husband and he said to me “aweee shut up!” At first I got so mad at him.

Then I realized he is right. Shut the heck up!

I have come to far for me to depict myself apart because I don’t look like these fitness models out there.

Why are we our own worse enemies?

Why is it so easy for us to tear ourselves apart?

We need reminders.

It’s so easy to compare. So easy to forget. So easy to think that someone else looks better. We need to focus on OURSELVES and that’s it.

I have come to far for this! The only way to go is UP! We need to learn to uplift OURSELVES if not no one else will.

 

How can someone so so beautiful be gone..

How is that even a possibility?

I love my daughter but the memories hurt so so much.

I wish I had her… every single milestone I have with the boys I am so happy and blessed but she always comes to mind.

Today someone asked me if I am not ready to have a girl since boys are such a handful… I couldn’t deny her I said “I did Have a daughter but I lost her”.

That moment everyone went quiet but the lady next to me said awe sorry to hear that God bless you. It felt good to be able to say I had her.

Why do I have to deny her and feel guilty later?

I will always wonder what she would’ve been like. To me she would’ve been the cutest, sassiest diva on the planet!

That thought brings a smile to my face I can see her running the household.

How I wish it could’ve been.

I had so many hopes and dreams for her…

I love this photo of her.

Makes me feel so blessed. She looks just like my mom to me here.

I wish I had her and not photos but until then I’ll try my best to cherish them with all my heart.

One day I’ll understand why I couldn’t save you. One day.

You are worth it

You don’t have to kill yourself and go hard every single day.

BUT you do have to put in the work.

There will be many days you wont want want to do it. But I bet you don’t want to do half the shit you do everyday either and you still do it.

The thing about this journey is that its a journey… its a process. Everyday is a brand new day to CONTINUE the journey.

I love the first photo of my cousin and I. This was our first day at the gym. November 1, 2015.

Funny thing is we didn’t even want to take this pic because we were embarrassed of how the other people were looking at us. Now look at us….

For almost two years we have been consistent. we have fallen off many times BUT we always got back on the next day.

Even on days we ate like crap WE STILL worked out! Even on days we didn’t workout and ATE like shit WE still got back on it the next day.

What I am trying to say is that you won’t wake up being a FITMOM or a Fitness addict or plain ole FIT, but you will be one day closer to that GOAL, to that place you want to be.

In the process you will learn who you are and want to better yourself, mentally, physically and spiritually.

JUST START JUST DO IT. STOP WAITING. STOP MAKING EXCUSES. THE ONLY PERSON LOSING OUT IS YOU!!!!!!!!!

In 3 weeks my girls and I will start a new challenge join US if you are tired of making excuses. Tired of remaining the same

click here and I will help set on the right path to a better you! 💕 whose with me?

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑