I’ve told my story a million times but for some reason today I cried while writing it.
My whole life I grew up believing I wasn’t good enough. Not because my upbringing wasn’t amazing… it’s just something I picked up along the way. Maybe something that was said who knows… maybe the constant comparing to my sister since she was thinner than me, or the constant hearing of how I needed to smile more! Lord did I hear every five minutes that I needed to lose weight. That is one of the hardest things to deal with when you are growing up. I still don’t know where. BUT I do know that I had no self worth and just settled for every single thing.
I was fortunate enough to still finish school, find love and start a family, but I never even acknowledged the hurt or the lack of self love I had. I spent more time and money on hair products and makeup than anything else. Just to feel good and do what I thought I needed to do to fit in.
After losing Leilani I was stripped….WHOLE I was bare. I had nothing left so i had to start over. I didn’t know who I was before I lost her and now that I did I sure as heck didn’t know either.
The lack of actual real support after losing Leilani didn’t help either. Everyone that was around me wanted to sweep it around the rug like it didn’t happen and now that I think about it that was the worse thing ever done to me.
How can a major life event be erased from my brain when I couldn’t eat, sleep or shit without thinking about it?
So I retracted. I just went numb. It was easier. I smiled for humanity but I was dead inside. I hated everything. I had no meaning nor purpose! And since the people around me were content with my behavior I continued it…until I lost me shit.
After having Leighton I got postpartum depression, was then diagnosed with PTSD. It was such a horrible lonely time in my life. I felt I couldn’t speak to anyone around me because all I got was God has other plans… Oh I am faithful, but that is not something someone that lost THEIR child wants to hear.
I started therapy and went to group therapy with women who had lost their humans just like me. OHHHHHHHHHHHH THE FREEDOM! I couldn’t believe that there were real women I can touch and see who had went through what I went through!
A lot of these women were farther along in their journey and seeing them flourish and SMILE gave me hope. This is when I decided to become a health and wellness coach.
Becoming a coach was the best decision I have ever made!!!!!!!!!!!!! I found my purpose. I found my voice. I found ME! I started traveling! I started growing as a human! I started USING MY VOICE! I started helping other women find their voice.
I am extremely proud. I now face my fears even if I am shitting bricks!
In my recent months I have learned to DEFEND myself and not take anyone’s shit. You guys don’t know how liberating it has been. For most of my life and ALL of my adult life I never stood up for myself. NEVER. I’ve had people offend me to my face and I take it. I’ve had people reprimand my kids AND I FUCKING hated it and I would take it. I have spent years replaying hurtful events and wonder WHY I did’t do anything about it.
Who was hurting me? ME. NOT anymore. I don’t replay anything I just use my VOICE and keep it moving.
This woman has been through the ringer and she still is coming out on top!
What is your superpower?
It is never to late to OPEN UP!!!!!! IF you need any help finding your voice don’t hesitate to message me!