National PTSD Day

If I see a hospital blanket I get triggered.

If I smell lavender I get triggered.

If I see purple I get triggered.

If I smell a certain bath soap I get triggered.

If I see a rainbow in the sky I get triggered.

If I see a pregnant woman I get triggered.

If I see a girl Leilani’s age I get triggered.

I eat spicy food I get triggered.

I take the B or Q train I get triggered.

If I hear John Legend’s song “All of me” I get triggered.

When I cross the Manhattan or Brooklyn bridge I get triggered.

If I hear the group Aventura I get triggered.

If I do the workout T25 I get triggered.

If I look in the mirror I get triggered.

Why am I telling you these things?

Today is National PTSD Day.

Having this isn’t easy, I am triggered daily… but but I live, love and laugh STILL.

After losing Leilani I am not the same but I still find ways to better me. Don’t give up guys. Grief will come but there is happiness while suffering at the same time.

Don’t compare…

“So let me guess you gave up on working out!?! Why did you stop working out?“

“My doctor told me I can’t.” “But I don’t get it I thought it was okay for pregnant women to workout?”

You can’t compare your normal no issues pregnancy with my high risk many issues pregnancy.

They are not the same.

I wish I can say that pregnancy has been easy for me but it hasn’t. The one time that it was easy I lost my little girl.

Pregnancy is taken for granted and women who can’t do what others do are looked down upon and made feel inadequate.

I am here to tell you there is nothing wrong with you! If your doctor tells you that you can’t touch the broom because you can go into labor THAN LISTEN!

It doesn’t mean you are seeking attention or are useless. In my opinion as long as your baby comes home alive who cares about anything else.

Humanity is so used to seeing things a certain way.

I am not brave…

I don’t admit this lightly. It’s hard but in order for me to heal I need to be honest with myself.

I am not brave like most of y’all think.

⁃I still can’t go to baby showers.

⁃I still can’t be around baby girls.

⁃I still have a hard time being around kids born the same year as Leilani.

⁃I still cringe at the thought of never having another girl.

All though I have all these can’ts I don’t let it stop me from trying to live my best life.

I am still and always happy for others never ever have I lost that thank God.

I am a work in progress and one day with the help of God and therapy I’ll be able to face all these can’ts I’ve ran from for the past 3.5 years.

Gender Preference…

Pregnancy after loss is so hard! There are so many things that you worry about. Fear becomes your worse enemy. The what if’s drive you insane! The scenarios are INSANE!

I’ve been focusing on all the wrong things. My desire to want a girl has consumed me.

All I can eat sleep and think is wanting a girl. Begging God at every waking moment to please give me a girl.

All I picture is a girl. How wrong is that? What if it’s not a girl?

Then it hit me will I love my baby less if it’s not a girl? Will I not care about my baby if it’s not a girl? NO!!!

No matter what I have I’ll love him/her to infinity and beyond.

LOVE is all I need. The only thing that really matter is my baby coming home ALIVE and HEALTHY!

It’s so easy to focus on the things we want and forget what really matters! I would love another little girl but I’ll take what God gives me.

I am shifting my focus on ONLY how blessed I am and stop begging God to give me a girl. It’s going to be what it’s going to be.

Day 4: Purple for PALS

The irony. Purple reminds me of Leilani always has.

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From what I remember the day I had her… I remember them giving me her and that her outfit was purple! And I remember saying to myself wow purple looks so good on her. My baby girl is perfect can’t wait to take her home. Man the way the mind works. I guess it was a defense mechanism….

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So purple symbolizes a lot for me! Purple equals love, hope and a desire for a child I wanted more than anything.

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#palawareness #purpleequalslove #blessed #livingforLeilani #imissyouleilani #angelmom #myforeverbaby #purple

It is real!

Most days everything is great! I am happy I have a pep in my step and I am on fire!

Then there are days where I look at myself and can’t believe it’s ME! Holy crap I am pregnant!

I still can’t believe it. I am scared but so so hopeful!

Everyday is a battle but that’s just how it is. My doctor said to me “what are you afraid of you had a successful pregnancy after your loss?” I looked at him and said “yea and I had a successful pregnancy before my loss.”

It’s easy for someone who hasn’t been in my shoes to think that but me knowing how life can be I know anything is possible.

No I am not sitting thinking something bad is going to happen BUT I am not naive either.

I wish I could be! It would be so much easier. But God is good and what He has set in motion for me has to be AMAZING!

Triggered!

For the most part I am okay.

For the most part I am completely happy.

For the most part I can function at my everyday duties.

For the most part my smiles are genuine.

For the most part I am okay.

And then I see/hear/smell/taste/feel something that reminds me of her and that’s it.

This hat is HER… she would’ve loved it! She would’ve wanted it I know it.

My girl I miss you. I miss what you could’ve been. I miss the expectation. I miss the life I dreamed I’d have with you.

I just wish you could’ve had a chance to know how much I love you.

Tomorrow will be a better day but today I miss you more than yesterday….💜 Leilani.

Taboo

I wear my Leilani on my heart.

I want to ask you a question if you lost a loved one wouldn’t you want to honor them?
Wouldn’t you want to share with the world whatever it is you had with them?

I️ ask because society makes pregnancy loss, baby loss, infant loss DEATH period so taboo.

If we talk about our children it’s only because we loved them so much and wish we could’ve had what we thought we would.

It doesn’t mean we aren’t happy.
It doesn’t mean we don’t believe in God.
It doesn’t mean that we don’t smile.
It doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate what we have.

On the contrary we appreciate even more.

 

We may be more sensitive, irritable, and softees but it’s only because we loved so hard.

A love so full of passion that only tears can express it.

I am Leilani’s mother, voice, and for as long as I️ shall live so does she!

Convo with my preschooler

I had the hardest conversation in the world with Liam today.

Me: look Liam it’s a butterfly 🦋 means Leilani is around.

Liam: oh so beautiful! Why Leilani isn’t home with us?

Me: She’s in heaven with God.

Liam: But why? I want to go there?

Me: because when Mommy was having her she passed away and now she’s up there.

Liam: But don’t you love her anymore? (KILLED ME HOLY SHIT)<

Me: (silence swallowing my tears) I said yes I love her still and I always will, just like I love you and Leighton.

Liam: so if you love her why can you go get her and bring her home?

Me: because she’s in heaven we can’t go there yet.

Liam: I can go get her for you so you won’t miss her.

Me: thanks Liam but I want you to stay here with me. You are enough and I love you and Leighton I am happy with you guys.

Liam: okay Mommy as long as you happy.

I didn’t think he’d start asking things like this so soon. What do you say? In all honesty I wanted the ground to open and swallow me!!!!!!

My heart hurts BUT I am glad he’s asking, but it makes me sad that he notices that I am not always happy. But it’s my card and I’ll do the best I can. I am just grateful I didn’t lose my shit and burst out crying!

Weeping and aching, I longed to honor your passing.

I longed to honor your life.

Searching everywhere, I found only one answer.

HONOR MYSELF.

Become all that I am and carry you inside that beauty.

This quote spoke to me so LOUDLY today. I need it. Today I am sad. Today I don’t care about anything.

Today I want to be the one who is taken care of.